Keep the advice to yourself…

Keep the advice to yourself

We all know that the greatest key to a constructive and effective communication is listening. When someone comes to you crying helpless, that whatever happened has already done. There is no need to give a speech, over consoling and trying so hard to be a motivational speaker of some sort. You are not going to solve anyone’s problem by talking all the way through. Sometimes all is needed is listening. I recently spoke to some of my fellow commuters about the incident that happened to me. You don’t have to work so hard trying to compile a speech to console me when I share a story of devastation. All I need is someone to just pour out my heart so that the rest of all the adversities I am going to face come what may find me empty. Depression kills and most of the time we hear media making wrong assumptions that someone took his/her life. It is not always the case. Pilling up of anxieties and stress can cause one suffer from depression up to a point of death.

It is better sometimes to let the grieving person talk all the time without interruptions and corrections. The thing is one has to make his or her own decision based on the little information you provide. The great late Nelson Mandela was known for one thing, he’ll talk last but most of the time listening if necessary. Remember when someone is grieving comes to you it is not your show for you to shine, it is about them let them cry until the tears dry. Stop telling them is going to be okay you don’t know how it feels more especially when you are talking all the time. All that people need is that someone is listening and caring. You are doing a great job by just paying attention without any word until you are asked for your opinion. The number one chance to talk is when you are given a chance to ask questions. You don’t have to know it all. A grieving person doesn’t need an expert in all the struggle he/she is going through. An honest comment like “I don’t know what to do in a situation like yours”, can help too. Get a permission to recommend someone who might be an expert in the area you are not good at. Just because you read the tips on how to survive relationship stress doesn’t make you a Dr. Phil of some sort. Whatever you have learned inspired you. Be it a sermon somewhere or motivational snippet or quote was for your own benefit, not for me. You might as well keep it to yourself. Only recommend when you are asked for it. Okay, I sound so harsh now. Honestly, speaking I have noticed that some people have answers for everything yet we still have a number of problems that never got resolved.

You are not here to solve anyone’s problem. The person struggling will have to face his/her own Goliath. Yes, you can provide for help if asked for it. I believe even Psychologists and Counsellors do ask their patients, clients, and guests where they can help. They don’t jump into solutions. Their job is to help the person struggling find it himself where the problem is and fix it. No one is trained to solve anyone’s problem. You are only helping when asked for your opinion. When someone comes to you for counseling they will say it but it still it's their show don’t steal it. Do not talk all the way until they fall asleep during your speech. If they wanted a motivational speaker they should have signed for one. There is plenty of those around. There each goes to listen, participate when asked. It will be your chance maybe to join the Toastmasters. I came to share my story with you so that I can empty myself. Tomorrow is going to be you and I will surely do the same.

The thing is I now know how it feels to be dumped therefore if you come with a similar heartbreaking story, I know when to and not to speak, I’ve been there. I recently had a chat with someone who was nearly robbed by thugs. As I was jogging I heard a gunshot outside the running field where I was during my running sessions. I came out jogging home and met a guy whom I asked if he knew where that gunshot came from? Little did I know that was the victim. They tried to rob him and a stranger driving passing by saw that and started shooting up the sky to scare the perpetrators. They ran and let the victim go. So I spent that whole about ten minutes listening to him. He shared how it all happened and when it was time for me to continue with running I told him what is going to happen to him emotionally at a later stage he just has to take guard of those thoughts. You become so anxious later in a stage of tragedy when your mind begin to recap what just happened. At least I said what I know. He was happy chap smiling and he promised to stay alert. All that journey he was sharing what happened which I believe it helped him release the anger. So listen more than talking…